The 7 Stages of Grief:
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You Hit the Barrier This self-imposed restriction Must you always push things to Must you see it to It’s OK that time after time you push someone as hard as she can go. “[The Holy Spirit] asks but little. It is He Who adds the greatness and the might... It is your realization that you need do so little that enables Him to give so much.” Other spiritual poems on this site For an explanation of the release – It’s OK to... For a discussion on the use of a spiritual quote |
Definition of Bargaining re: The Stages of Grief
What is Bargaining?
Bargaining is when we say.
“This illness is my fault.”
Then we say we will do things differently to make the illness go away.
Or perhaps we say:
“I would do things differently if I had the chance again. Give me another chance.
Sometimes we ask:
“Is illness a punishment from God?”
We bargain with God:
“I will be a better person from now on, if only the illness will go away.
“If only…” and “What if…” statements can be a part of this one of the stages of grief.
Bargaining Gives You A Useful Temporary Sense Of Control
This one of the 7 stages of grief gives you a sense of control. If there is something you did wrong, then there is hope that you can learn a new way and recover.
It can be very healthy to have a sense of control when your body tells you you have no control.
Often though, bargaining leads you to blame yourself for things that you didn't do wrong.
Even if you did – there may be nothing you can do about it now, so the feeling of guilt is not useful.
And just because you did something wrong doesn't mean it is why you are now ill.
Finding something unhealthy you are doing and correcting it is a wonderful approach. But bargaining can lead to guilt and to setting yourself up for failure.
Guilt
We Can Switch From Guilt To Anger To Denial To Guilt
You may switch between different stages of grief:
- You may feel profound guilt as you decide that if you had done something else you wouldn’t be ill now.
Guilt can lead to the need to find someone else to blame which leads to anger.
And when the guilt and anger are too painful you retreat into denial.
From a place of denial, you cannot take steps to look after yourself because you are pretending there is no need, and when you realise you haven’t looked after yourself yet again, you feel guilt.
In this way you switch between the 7 stages of grief in a vicious circle: guilt to anger to denial and back to guilt.
How Do You Move From Bargaining To Acceptance, And From Guilt To Humility?
How do you break the vicious circle of switching between the stages of grief? How do you move forwards to acceptance?
When you say you will do something – learn to rest, have a good diet, etc, and then you don't keep your resolutions for long, it usually means that your actions come from bargaining.
With bargaining, you are trying to do things in your own strength: I will be a better person.
Even if you have identified something that you would benefit from changing in yourself, the truth is, you didn't know how to do things differently, or you would have done so.
You are already having a difficult time, and now you feel guilty, without knowing what else to do. You are not being kind to yourself.
When you come from a place of acceptance, your words may be similar to those of bargaining, but the feeling is a very different one:
You are less likely to feel God is punishing you.
You are more likely to feel God is guiding you.
Or else, that He has not been guiding you because you have not been giving Him/Her the chance.
Spiritual Acceptance of Illness
Now you say something like the following:
Spiritual Acceptance of Illness:
Prayer of Surrender and RepentenceDear God,
What do I need to know right now?I am in an ill body.
This is not what I want.
This does not testify to a powerful and abundant Source of Life.I don't know how to change this.
Help me God.
Speak to my mind and heart.
Guide me to a place of peace.I have done things my own way, and it has brought me here.
I don't want to do things my own way anymore.
Your way brings me greater joy.How can I serve You?
I open my heart to receive Your Love.Thank you that you are greater than this illness.
Thank you that you bring peace and healing everywhere where you are invited.
Thank you.Amen.
Instead of bargaining, you can repent.
Instead of guilt which makes you feel heavy, you can feel humility.
You need help to move through the 7 stages of grief. You need help to live with illness. This is OK. It is OK to need help.
A Definition Of Repent
A definition of repent:Repent means “to think again”.
Re = again.
Pent, from the same root as the French word penser = to think
Help is here. At your request, Jesus takes you by the hand.
Yes, you don't know what to do.
Yes, you are powerless over your current situation.
But this is OK.
You have no reason to fear: you are being guided by a wisdom beyond your own.
Move from The 7 Stages Of Grief: Bargaining and Guilt to
the next page: The Step of Grief of Depression
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